hotel room ftw
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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