Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
