my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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