can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
