I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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