Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
