I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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