omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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