Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
