I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
