theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
