Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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