I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
