I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
