My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
