I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize