Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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