when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
