Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
