I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
