Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
