I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
