Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
