I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Mom said you looked used
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
