watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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