I need help removing her.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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