My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
