Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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