I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
