I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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