dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
