he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
