failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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