I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
