With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
