Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
