he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
