I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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