Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just threw up on my dentist
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
