I wish I could punch you in the face.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
