fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
