hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
