i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
