OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
