I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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