capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
