He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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