I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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