Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
