i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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