dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
