Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
