the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.