she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
