My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
