shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
operation harelip BJ is a go
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
