Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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