You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
