dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
